Memories of a klutz II

High School, I still wonder why people say those years are the best of your life. I certainly don't look at them as the best of my life.

To start things off, when I saw my future guidance counselor he was impressed enough with my Math grades that he suggested that I take Geometry and Advanced Algebra II in the same year. I ended up with so much scheduled that I only had free time one period per day, except when that was my lab for Biology. I should have known that this wasn't the best plan in the world when I had to take gym class in Summer School.

I actually liked the class. It was basically biking everywhere, which wasn't all that bad even though I had to ride my bike 6 (or so) miles to get to the school in the first place. It helped me keep the weight off that Track & Field had helped me shed in the previous Spring, so it was a good thing. (I went from a skinny kid in grade school to a fat kid by middle school.) That and there were only 2 guys in the class of 6 or 7. Needless to say, it was a fun summer. The one patented klutz incident was the day that it was raining, so it was decided that we would meet at the roller rink and skate for the day.

Well, I still had to ride my bike in, but the rain wasn't that heavy and it actually felt nice out, so that wasn't a problem. While going along, I noticed that my back tire was a bit low on air, so I stopped at the local gas station and put some air in it. Little did I know that this was a high pressure hose. Well, I filled the tire (it only took a second or so), turned around to put the hose away and as I dropped it, my tire blew up. BANG! I just about jumped out of my skin. Damn, there were at least 6 more miles to go to get to the rink, and I had 45 minutes IIRC (if I remember correctly) to get there. Well, time to start walking. When I got there (about an hour late) I realized that I had dropped my money for skate rental along they way. At least the instructor, knew where I lived and knew that I had walked a good amount so she gave me credit for the day.

Later in the school year I had gotten into the Rubik's Cube (like so many others) and got pretty fast at solving it. Well my orthodontist (did I forget to mention that I ended up getting glasses and braces late in the 9th grade?) had an ongoing competition, and would put a picture of the record holder in his monthly newsletter. Well the first 2 times (you could have 1 try for each visit) I missed the time by a dozen or so seconds and I became determined to beat the time of 1:15 (I'm guessing). So I practiced like crazy, I mean I didn't do that much homework so I had the time. Well, I managed to get my time to just under a minute a few times. So the third time I tried my luck I got the cube solved in just over a minute. What do you know, the highlight of my year. How pitiful is that?

That should give you an idea of what my social life was like, DOA. Sure, I had a few friends, but few is the operative word. I didn't belong to any clubs and I didn't do any activities while I was in the 10th grade. During the Summer following my sophomore year, there was a week long party at one of the guys houses. He had just gotten his inheritance (6000+ shares of Nike stock, which was going up like crazy at the time) and his parents were away. Well, I was in a bad place about this time. My parents were separated and working towards a divorce at this time. Well, I disappeared for a good portion of the week. I took part in some very serious drinking that week, it's sad that I actually felt better that week than I had the rest of the year. Thinking back on that, it makes me realize that I was more than likely clinically depressed and the alcohol was a way for me to self medicate.

On a side note, about 8 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which stemmed from assorted anxiety disorders. Things like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. Of course at the time it appeared that I was being a normal (if there is such a thing) teenager, with the regular social problems. It didn't help that I also had a learning disability called Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome or Irlen Syndrome. This is a reading disorder that is similar to Dislexia, except that instead of having the letters scrambled or flipped, the words can appear fuzzy, they can move around on the page, they can appear to float above the page, flash, sparkle, and even appear to fall off of the page. It makes 'skimming' all but impossible, and reading in general very difficult.

According to the Irlen Clinic website:

At least two million Americans are identified as learning disabled. Many more are labeled as "not trying hard enough" at school for a variety of reasons, including lack of motivation, attention deficit disorder, reading problems, or discipline problems.

Not that anybody knew about this at the time, it was only just discovered in 1984 which was my senior year. So I don't blame anybody for not figuring it out, we didn't have a way to know. It just made my problems with anxiety and depression worse than they already were. I could never get the thoughts that people were talking about me, and judging me out of my head. Now I realize that everyone had their own problems that they were dealing with. It's too bad that I didn't know that then, I might have actually been able to relax and have some fun without self medicating (which I did more than I should have to say the least).

Back on track.....

In the 11th grade I joined the drama club. I was mostly on the tech side and only had one very small part in 'Heaven Can Wait.' I did have some friends here, but I was always wondering what they were thinking of me and what they were 'saying behind my back.' One of my methods to deal with my anxiety was to give into one of my compulsions, I started to smoke (February 1983). Probably the single biggest mistake of my life. (I finally quit for more than 9 months on Sept. 25, 2003.) I also had a huge crush on a couple of the girls in the Drama Club, which was pretty painful since I know that I was uninteresting to them. Before the end of the year, I finally found a girl that was interested in me. Unfortunately she went to a school that was 45 minutes or so away. Not that it mattered for long, she became uninterested within a few weeks anyway, and that was that.

I was too oblivious to notice the next girl that showed some interest. She was a friend of a friend, and that was about all I knew of her. She went to the prom with a good friend of mine, and we ended up spending a good portion of the night dancing together, rather than with our dates. Teenage hormones don't tend to allow for proper behavior at times. We were together for nearly 2 years. Let's just say I bet both of us wish we could have those years back. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder really trashed this one. She couldn't cope with my obsessive behavior and my compulsions at the time led to fits of rage. What we ended up doing was hurt each other a lot, and not anything else of real note.

I went into another one of my funks after we broke up. I lost something in the neighborhood of 30 - 40 pounds in a couple of months. I wasn't eating at all well, and instead of taking care of myself and my education, I worked more. At the time I was working at McDonald's and I was one of only 2 crew members that knew how to make the biscuits (we still made them fresh at the time). I usually made them on the weekends and the other crew person (I can't remember her name for the life of me) made them during the week while I was going to school. Well she had a heart attack towards the end of the school year, so I decided to volunteer to make the biscuits during the week, basically working split shifts. So for about a month I worked in the early morning making the biscuits and then went to school (still covered in flour). Later I would come back to work and work the closing shift.

Basically, I worked myself near to death. Working such varied hours, I was partaking in some legal stimulants which have since become illegal. It's amazing that I didn't keel over. One morning, when I was tired as hell (I can't remember a morning when I wasn't) one of the managers pushed me just a bit too far. I went to the store manager demanding a change in my hours or a raise. She said she couldn't do that, so I punched out and got another job that same day. Which of course they couldn't believe when I returned my uniform.

I guess I'll leave off here for now....