Paintball is a wonderfully frustrating game...

I started playing paintball in the Fall of 1984, when my father took me along for a game. I really liked it, even though the first time I was shot it was in the mouth. I played for several years after that first game. I was even part of a team for a while in the early days.

I played even after I joined the Air Force in October of 1988. While stationed at FE Warren AFB, I took a bunch of friends to a field in Conifer, CO. I had never been to that field, but I didn't worry about that, because I had always had good experiences with paintball. Sure I had run into cheaters before, but I never really had that much trouble with them. At this field however, I found out once we got there, that they didn't allow headshots. I thought that was just fine, as I never really gunned for anybody's head before.

I didn't realize that this kind of rule was actually counter productive. All anybody did was stick their head out from their hiding spot. Most of the time you only had a head to shoot at. That wasn't even the worst part of the day. The worst part was the field owner/operators were complete assholes. It was without a doubt the single worst experience I've ever had on a paintball field. That's when I gave up playing, the Spring of 1990.

That is until I ended up getting an internship at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in the Summer of 2002. I found out that there was a field about 15 minutes away from where I was staying. I decided to check it out. I drove down there to look around and see how they ran the field. I was impressed, and I felt like the people there were commited to keeping the game fun. So I arranged a time for a few of us to go play, and I fell in love again. I ended up looking for a new (to me) marker. I got a Spyder off of eBay, did a few repairs and I was ready to go.

When I visited home in the middle of the internship, I packed up my old markers and sent them to the house I was staying at for the Summer. I was originally going to sell them, but I soon found out that I was not going to get anything near what they are worth to me, so I decided to hang on to them and use them on occasion. They are a Nelspot 007, and a Bushmaster SI that I bought after joining the AF in 1988. I continue to use the Bushmaster on a regular basis, and the Nelspot on occasion.

Well, after that internship, I found myself wanting to continue playing. After graduating from CSU and getting a job in my chosen industry, I was able to start playing again. I played a scenario game at a local field. It was close to what I remembered. It was fun, in the woods and it was friendly competition. I thought I found my 'home.'

In the years since; I joined a team, Oddball's Heroes, left that team for reasons of integrity, and joined another team, Black Light Company. I have played in 2 24 hour scenarios, reffed speedball and scenario games, I've even coordinated scenario games. And I've become disallusioned again. I've seen cheating, extreme competativeness and anger to the point of near violence. I'm just about ready to quit the game again. I would like to believe that there are enough good people playing the game to change it for the better. Back to what it used to be, fun competition. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to feel that the idiots greatly outnumber the good guys.

This past weekend, I played in my second 24 hour scenario. There was a whole bunch of cheating going on, questionable reffing, vandalism and me ready to lose it. Cheaters take the fun out of the game, and I hate them for it. The really crappy part is that teams I had previously respected, were some of the most guilty parties. I had even been accused of overshooting, which I don't do, period. I will not EVER do anything that would tick me off, if I saw someone else doing it. Being accused of cheating probably hurt me as mush as anything else. I'm ready to quit again.

Maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I sprained my ankle. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am going through withdrawal from Zoloft and my emotions are near out of control. Whatever it is, I'm just really pissed off, and I'm ready to just chuck the whole damn thing.

I keep hearing and reading how woodsballer and scenario players have more integrity and are much more 'honorable.' I'm finding myself saying that there aren't enough honorable players to make up for the jerks anymore. What is it going to take to make the game fun again?

The thing that is making all of this worse is the fact that my oldest daughter wants to start playing next year. I'd love to get a chance to play alongside her. But not if it means exposing her to that kind of play. It's just too damn confusing.

Can you believe how much can happen in less than 2 months?

Well, John Roberts turned out to be the replacement for Justice Renquist, not Justice O'Connor. People are no longer talking about President Bush lying to get us into a war. They are talking about how he has gone too far to protect the American people. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, can we pile anymore crap on the bad news band wagon?

Congratulations to Chief Justice Roberts! While he hoped to serve on the court with the man he once clerked for, I'm sure he didn't expect to be replacing him. Unfortunately this will probably not bring anymore sanity to the court. It's basically the same court that decided it was perfectly fine for local governments to take away private property to give it to other private owners. Which has unfortunately led to a case in Florida where they are pushing out an entire neighborhood to increase their tax revenue. Here are a few articles I've found across the web.


Florida city considers eminent domain - Nation/Politics - The Washington Times, America's Newspaper

Riviera Beach eminent domain case draws national spotlight

The Seattle Times: Nation & World: Land-use battle rages in Florida

FOXNews.com - Hannity & Colmes - Interview - It Could Happen to You!

FOXNews.com - Hannity & Colmes - Interview - It Could Happen to You!


It looks as though you better not be poor or your local government will take your home. Let's review how the justices voted.

In favor of the Kelo v. New London ruling

• John Paul Stevens - liberal justice
  
• David H. Souter - liberal justice (Damn shame he fooled us)
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg - liberal justice
• Stephen Breyer - liberal justice
• Anthony Kennedy - moderate conservative justice (often a swing vote)

Those who voted against this ruling

• William H. Rehnquist - conservative justice
• Antonin Scalia - conservative justice (some would say ultra-conservative)
  
• Clarence Thomas - conservative justice (see above)
• Sandra Day O'Connor - moderate conservative (often a swing vote)

So we see that the justices split along ideologies again, but to the shock and disappointment of liberal activists the liberal judges voted to take from the poor and give to the rich. So even if (and hopefully when) Samuel Alito is confirmed this ruling will most likely stand. Our only hope at this point is that one of the older justices retires before the next presidential election.

Now what's this about illegal wiretaps? First of all it still has to be decided whether they were illegal or not. Personally, I'm not sure why the NSA didn't take information to the FISA courts after the fact though. Other than that I'm not sure that this was improper. Did people forget that we are actually at war with terrorism and terrorists? While I am unable to find any reference to an official US declaration of war, there is plenty of information on Bin Laden's declaration of war on us. So whether we want it or not, we are at war.

During wartime the requirements for search warrants on suspected enemies ease. It's a fact of life. I find it almost amusing that without all of the facts we have Democratic leaders and media types comparing President Bush to President Nixon. I don't remember people getting this upset when a Florida couple "accidentally" listened to one of Newt Gingrich's cell phone calls and released what they heard to the press.

I also remember hearing that the intelligence community wasn't doing enough to gather information and put it together to combat terrorist's plans here. Now that we've found out that the NSA is trying to do just that, we hear "They've gone too far!" Make your minds up people! Are we not doing enough? Or are we doing too much? No, I don't want civil liberties trampled. I don't want to see anybody else die because of another terror attack either.

Getting to more recent impressions

While I don't intend to make this a political blog, I'm going to have things to say regarding polotics and world events on occasion. I'm not an analyst, I don't claim to be one. I do however try to pay attention to the world, and I vote, so I figure I can spout off once in a while.

I've been watching the news lately just dumb founded by some of the stupidity going on in the world. Let me lead into this by saying I am a registered Republican. The reason for that is I feel that the Democratic party has become the party of self-deception.

What do I mean when I say that? I mean that the attitude that your circumstances aren't your fault/responsibility seems pervasive in the party and the left in general. I just can't accept that. I used to feel that the Democratic party was the party that stood up for the working man, and stood against the abuses of big business. Now I see them as the party of dependancy, blame and fear mongering. I don't know when it changed, but it most certainly did. In my opinion, Zell Miller has it right, the party needs to look at where they are standing and where the rest of the country stands.

I do have some other ideological differences with the party. I don't believe that gun control on the scale that we usually hear about is appropriate. Hell, I don't think we should be passing anymore gun control laws until the laws we have are enforced. Most of the crimes that we are pointed to as examples of the need for more gun control laws, involve guns that were illegally obtained. The most brazen (and local) example is Columbine. Not a single one of those firearms was obtained legally.

I also don't believe unions are a good thing any longer. I find it hard to swallow when people go on strike because they feel that an average of $27 an hour isn't enough money for putting together cars. It's not rocket science, it's not like someone else couldn't be taught how to do the work. I know several people with technical Bachelor degrees (I'm included in that number) that don't make that much. On top of that we work on salary, so we don't get paid for our overtime, and there is plenty of that.

The idea that kids need to learn self worth before learning how to read, write and add, makes me sick. Accomplishments lead to self-esteem. Teaching kids that they don't need to worry about results is a huge disservice, to them and to the people that will depend on them later in life. Are we going to get to the point where engineers that design bridges that collapse aren't held responsible because they meant well? Learning is a process, and like many processes it can be painful. Avoiding pain doesn't teach a kid anything very useful, they just learn that life is easy. When was the last time you thought life was easy?

I'm not saying the Republican party doesn't have it's share of problems. While I agree with the general stance on abortion, I think it is ending a life. I disagree with the tactics all too many of the anti-abortion groups use. Graphic protests just make me sick to my stomach and upset with the group protesting. Blowing up clinics or shooting doctors that perform abortion, is just out right stupid! Killing people because you believe they are commiting a moral offense is immoral. What they are doing, however much you or I might disagree with it, is perfectly legal.

The idea that we shouldn't have any gun control is not really sane. I realize that most right wing people don't think that we should be able to buy a gun anytime we want and without restriction. However there are those out there that do believe that, and I think that they are wrong. A .50 caliber machine gun is not necessary to defend yourself, your family or your home. Along these lines, it should not be mandatory to have a firearm in every household. If you feel a great deal of discomfort around firearms, you shouldn't handle them. Though if you have any in your house, it is your responsibility to make sure they are in good working order (or completely disabled) and that everyone in the house knows the safety rules for firearms.

There's some of the background, on to what's been driving me nuts lately. We have a Supreme Court nominee. I know he's replacing Sandra Day O'Connor, and that she has been a swing vote, but it isn't mandated anywhere that her replacement should follow her ideology. As a matter of fact, I think we need someone that won't vote to allow property to be removed from one private owner and given to another, like the recent case in Connecticut. The nominee also doesn't need to be a woman or minority. The nominee does need to understand the law and the Constitution and realize that the Constitution isn't just another piece of paper.

The recent resurgance in the sentiment that President Bush lied to get us into a war. Senator Schumer said that he thought President Bush believed the interpretation of the intelligence that he had been given. Then he says that the President lied. Which is it? Did he believe it, or did he lie? He also said that he voted to go to war even though he wasn't thoroughly convinced that we should go to war. I guess it's ok to send people off to another country to die, when you aren't positive it needs to be done.

The idea that losing 2000+ troups in 3 years is some kind of attrociously high number. Being a veteran, I do agree that losing troops is bad and if it can be avoided reasonably it should be. We lost an average of ~5300 troops per year during the Vietnam War, an average of ~12,200 during the Korean War, and an average ~53,300 per year during WWII. In this case we are fighting a war against terrorists, which is harder that most people can imagine. One of the main ways to win a war is to get and maintain the initiative. When your enemy hides among the people and strikes at points and times of their choosing, taking the battle to them is difficult to say the least. I think the troups are doing an outstanding job.

I think I've gotten my rant out for the day.

The riots in France. I guess terrorism really isn't a problem, and that going to war only provoked responses. Oh, that's right, France didn't go to war and they have over 2 weeks worth of riots that are getting closer to Paris. If this was not an action with some kind of support in the back ground, the riots would have burned themselves out by now (no pun intended).

Memories of a klutz II

High School, I still wonder why people say those years are the best of your life. I certainly don't look at them as the best of my life.

To start things off, when I saw my future guidance counselor he was impressed enough with my Math grades that he suggested that I take Geometry and Advanced Algebra II in the same year. I ended up with so much scheduled that I only had free time one period per day, except when that was my lab for Biology. I should have known that this wasn't the best plan in the world when I had to take gym class in Summer School.

I actually liked the class. It was basically biking everywhere, which wasn't all that bad even though I had to ride my bike 6 (or so) miles to get to the school in the first place. It helped me keep the weight off that Track & Field had helped me shed in the previous Spring, so it was a good thing. (I went from a skinny kid in grade school to a fat kid by middle school.) That and there were only 2 guys in the class of 6 or 7. Needless to say, it was a fun summer. The one patented klutz incident was the day that it was raining, so it was decided that we would meet at the roller rink and skate for the day.

Well, I still had to ride my bike in, but the rain wasn't that heavy and it actually felt nice out, so that wasn't a problem. While going along, I noticed that my back tire was a bit low on air, so I stopped at the local gas station and put some air in it. Little did I know that this was a high pressure hose. Well, I filled the tire (it only took a second or so), turned around to put the hose away and as I dropped it, my tire blew up. BANG! I just about jumped out of my skin. Damn, there were at least 6 more miles to go to get to the rink, and I had 45 minutes IIRC (if I remember correctly) to get there. Well, time to start walking. When I got there (about an hour late) I realized that I had dropped my money for skate rental along they way. At least the instructor, knew where I lived and knew that I had walked a good amount so she gave me credit for the day.

Later in the school year I had gotten into the Rubik's Cube (like so many others) and got pretty fast at solving it. Well my orthodontist (did I forget to mention that I ended up getting glasses and braces late in the 9th grade?) had an ongoing competition, and would put a picture of the record holder in his monthly newsletter. Well the first 2 times (you could have 1 try for each visit) I missed the time by a dozen or so seconds and I became determined to beat the time of 1:15 (I'm guessing). So I practiced like crazy, I mean I didn't do that much homework so I had the time. Well, I managed to get my time to just under a minute a few times. So the third time I tried my luck I got the cube solved in just over a minute. What do you know, the highlight of my year. How pitiful is that?

That should give you an idea of what my social life was like, DOA. Sure, I had a few friends, but few is the operative word. I didn't belong to any clubs and I didn't do any activities while I was in the 10th grade. During the Summer following my sophomore year, there was a week long party at one of the guys houses. He had just gotten his inheritance (6000+ shares of Nike stock, which was going up like crazy at the time) and his parents were away. Well, I was in a bad place about this time. My parents were separated and working towards a divorce at this time. Well, I disappeared for a good portion of the week. I took part in some very serious drinking that week, it's sad that I actually felt better that week than I had the rest of the year. Thinking back on that, it makes me realize that I was more than likely clinically depressed and the alcohol was a way for me to self medicate.

On a side note, about 8 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which stemmed from assorted anxiety disorders. Things like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. Of course at the time it appeared that I was being a normal (if there is such a thing) teenager, with the regular social problems. It didn't help that I also had a learning disability called Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome or Irlen Syndrome. This is a reading disorder that is similar to Dislexia, except that instead of having the letters scrambled or flipped, the words can appear fuzzy, they can move around on the page, they can appear to float above the page, flash, sparkle, and even appear to fall off of the page. It makes 'skimming' all but impossible, and reading in general very difficult.

According to the Irlen Clinic website:

At least two million Americans are identified as learning disabled. Many more are labeled as "not trying hard enough" at school for a variety of reasons, including lack of motivation, attention deficit disorder, reading problems, or discipline problems.

Not that anybody knew about this at the time, it was only just discovered in 1984 which was my senior year. So I don't blame anybody for not figuring it out, we didn't have a way to know. It just made my problems with anxiety and depression worse than they already were. I could never get the thoughts that people were talking about me, and judging me out of my head. Now I realize that everyone had their own problems that they were dealing with. It's too bad that I didn't know that then, I might have actually been able to relax and have some fun without self medicating (which I did more than I should have to say the least).

Back on track.....

In the 11th grade I joined the drama club. I was mostly on the tech side and only had one very small part in 'Heaven Can Wait.' I did have some friends here, but I was always wondering what they were thinking of me and what they were 'saying behind my back.' One of my methods to deal with my anxiety was to give into one of my compulsions, I started to smoke (February 1983). Probably the single biggest mistake of my life. (I finally quit for more than 9 months on Sept. 25, 2003.) I also had a huge crush on a couple of the girls in the Drama Club, which was pretty painful since I know that I was uninteresting to them. Before the end of the year, I finally found a girl that was interested in me. Unfortunately she went to a school that was 45 minutes or so away. Not that it mattered for long, she became uninterested within a few weeks anyway, and that was that.

I was too oblivious to notice the next girl that showed some interest. She was a friend of a friend, and that was about all I knew of her. She went to the prom with a good friend of mine, and we ended up spending a good portion of the night dancing together, rather than with our dates. Teenage hormones don't tend to allow for proper behavior at times. We were together for nearly 2 years. Let's just say I bet both of us wish we could have those years back. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder really trashed this one. She couldn't cope with my obsessive behavior and my compulsions at the time led to fits of rage. What we ended up doing was hurt each other a lot, and not anything else of real note.

I went into another one of my funks after we broke up. I lost something in the neighborhood of 30 - 40 pounds in a couple of months. I wasn't eating at all well, and instead of taking care of myself and my education, I worked more. At the time I was working at McDonald's and I was one of only 2 crew members that knew how to make the biscuits (we still made them fresh at the time). I usually made them on the weekends and the other crew person (I can't remember her name for the life of me) made them during the week while I was going to school. Well she had a heart attack towards the end of the school year, so I decided to volunteer to make the biscuits during the week, basically working split shifts. So for about a month I worked in the early morning making the biscuits and then went to school (still covered in flour). Later I would come back to work and work the closing shift.

Basically, I worked myself near to death. Working such varied hours, I was partaking in some legal stimulants which have since become illegal. It's amazing that I didn't keel over. One morning, when I was tired as hell (I can't remember a morning when I wasn't) one of the managers pushed me just a bit too far. I went to the store manager demanding a change in my hours or a raise. She said she couldn't do that, so I punched out and got another job that same day. Which of course they couldn't believe when I returned my uniform.

I guess I'll leave off here for now....

Memories of a klutz

Well, I've considered putting up a blog for a long time. At times, I've thought that it was a self-serving thing to do, and at other times I thought it would be nice to get some thoughts out into the world. The funny thing is I never really read any blogs until the last few months, and I figured what the hell. If people chance upon them and read them, that's cool. If they decide that they're crap, no problem, they can just stop reading them. Then I found out that my younger brother (I haven't bee able to call him my little brother for quite a while now) has a blog here, so that just encouraged me further to get this started.

He started off by talking about his recollections of growing up. That actually seems like a good place to start.

One of my earliest memories is playing with matches. I was probably 2 or 3 years old. What do I remember most? My mother seeing what I was doing, and trying to stop me before I hurt myself. She didn't make it, my fingers still hurt when I think about that. I don't remember where in the Boston area that house was, but I remember the next house a bit better.

The next house was in Arlington, next to or very near a car dealership. One of the hilights of my young life was getting to watch as they took the cars off of the car carrying trailer. At that house I also had my tricycle stolen and trashed (not that I really remember that). Why in the world would you do that? It seems as though it would prove that you're an idiot, and not much else. I do remember being outside bare foot, and stepping on a huge piece (I was 3 so that's relative) and cutting my foot from the ball to the heel. I also had managed to lock myself out of that house one morning while everybody (it was quite a bit like a commune) was sleeping. It felt like I was out there forever, who knows, it could have been all of 2 minutes. This is the place where I had gotten my first visible scare too. I fell in the bathtub and cut my chin wide open. As I hear it, my father insisted that I eat dinner before going to the hospital.

The next place I remember, was a house in Warner, NH on School St. This was a tramatic experience for me, there were these weird things in the area that I later learned were trees. I turned 4 around the time we moved there, so Josh would have been about 1. I imagine that he sees this as the first place he lived, at least as far as his memory goes. So I bet when we moved from there, it felt about the same way to him as it did to me moving to Warner. OK, back on track....

In this house I remember playing with razor blades (Schick injectors or something like that) and I of course cut my finger. Not wanting to get in trouble for playing with the razor blades, I tried to bandage my own finger. This didn't work out so well. It was bleeding enough that the bandages wouldn't stay on. Of course my main concern was that I was getting blood all over the kitchen floor, and that I'd get into trouble for that too. Well, my mother finally found me, and got me to the doctor to get me fixed up (I can't remember if I needed stitches or not). While in this house, I also fell coming out of school for recess on my first day of school, and cracked my head on the pavement. I broke my leg on a bob-sled run in a neighbors back yard. My ear drum broke (this could have been in the previous house) and I was unable to go swimming from the age of 5 through 8 or 9. (Doesn't it seem funny how I remember the injuries more than anything else?)

While in Warner, I did the normal kid things. I played baseball (or at least tried to play), rode my bike, played in the woods, fished (if you can call going out with a fishing pole and casting it occasionally fishing) and generally had fun. I did managed to get picked on a lot. I was skinny, and for the most part uncoordinated (it turns out that is a symptom of a learning disability that I have). So I was bad at ball sports. I couldn't hit the ball in baseball that well (I never really saw it), and I couldn't catch it that well, so I was doomed to being the last guy picked for the team. I wasn't good at kickball or dodgeball either. So I was just the butt of everybody's joke. To make things worse, I got very good grades in elementary school. With the exception of reading (what my particular disability effects the most) I excelled in most subjects, especially Math and Science. Hence, my doom was complete. I was the kid that you could treat like a friend, and turn on when it was convenient for you. And I just let it happen.

After the fifth grade we moved to Durham, NH so my father could finish his MBA at UNH. I thought I'd be able to start over, and recreate myself (OK, not quite those thoughts, but that's what they amounted to). Boy was I wrong, I just made a bigger spectacle of myself in Durham that I had in Waner. I still sucked at sports, although for some reason I was the only kid in gym class that could long snap in flag football. To make matters worse, my father got me hooked on D&D, so the transformation was complete, I was a geek. A geek that liked Kiss! In what felt like the Disco capital of the world. Talk about an outcast. I hated Durham, and Durham hated me. I didn't even have good grades to look at here. I was getting Cs and Ds for the first time in my life, and it was killing me. This was probably my first bout with clinical depression, I just couldn't be happy about much of anything. Who knew?

After that excruciating 2 years in Durham, we moved to Bow. Could I remake myself here? No, everything I had started doing to try and fit in, in Durham was completely wrong in Bow. I had started listening to disco (I still can't believe I listened to that crap) and disco was seen as the devil's music (and rightly so) by the local school kids. Bow had a middle school that went through 9th grade, so I had 2 more years of it to go. The 8th started out OK. As far as 'coolness' factor goes, I started by trying out for the soccer team. I quit before the 4th practice, which caused me no end of shame. I was getting good grades, so good that I made the High Honor roll 2 quarters in a row. After that, the crash came. My grades went rapidly downhill, and I was in the dumps again. I had a mixed bag of grades to say the least. Some were very good (especially for someone that didn't do homework) and some were just awful. In the 9th grade, the school had a play. I tried out, and got the lead. This was of course, just as uncool as you could get. Later in the year I went out for track (nobody gets cut from the track team). While I wasn't good, I always improved and put in everything that I could. I made it out, and moved on to High School at CHS (Concord High School) where the trauma just continued......